The Hidden Costs of People Pleasing

Feel like you’re losing yourself in the endless pursuit of making others happy?
Being helpful and kind is admirable, however some people find they are doing so at the expense of their own health and well-being.
If you notice you are prioritising others’ needs and desires over your own, agreeing simply to avoid conflict, or taking on tasks at the expense of your mental and emotional health, you might be a people pleaser. Read on as we explore the psychological roots of people pleasing, how to overcome it, and the role therapy can play in addressing this behaviour.

At its core, people pleasing is “the act of making others happy to avoid conflict or negative feelings – even if you don’t like what you’re doing” While it might initially appear as a positive trait—one that fosters harmonious relationships—its origins are often deeply rooted in insecurity and fear. People pleasers might believe their worth is tied to making others happy, fearing rejection or disapproval if they assert their needs. Psychologically, this behaviour can often be linked to past experiences, such as growing up in a household where love or approval was conditional, or experiencing bullying or rejection during formative years.

People pleasing is also related to co-dependency, where your sense of self becomes intertwined with the validation and emotions of others.

Over time, constantly putting the needs of others first creates an internal conflict where the people pleaser’s own needs are suppressed, resulting in feelings of discomfort, resentment, frustration, or chronic stress.

Understanding the root causes of people-pleasing is crucial for making meaningful progress toward overcoming it. While this behaviour may manifest differently for everyone, some of the more common causes are:

1. Insecurity and Fear of Rejection
   At the core of people-pleasing behaviours is often a deep-seated fear of rejection or failure. You may worry that if others saw the “real” you, they wouldn’t accept or love you. As a result, you go above and beyond to meet others’ expectations in exchange for approval and validation, believing that doing so will make you more likeable or worthy.
2. Early Childhood Experiences
   People-pleasing behaviours can often be traced back to early childhood or formative relationships. For example, if you grew up in an environment where love and affection were conditional—given only when you performed well in school or behaved “correctly”—you may have learned that pleasing others was a way to secure love and avoid emotional neglect. This can create a lifelong habit of seeking validation through external achievements or meeting others’ needs at the expense of your own. It may also be tied in with fears of abandonment.
3. Perfectionism and Control
   People-pleasers often struggle with perfectionism, which goes beyond trying to maintain high standards for themselves. You may feel an urge to control how others perceive you, believing that perfection (in appearance, behaviour, or achievements) will earn you acceptance and prevent criticism. This desire for control can extend to trying to manage how others feel, often leading you to overextend yourself in attempts to keep others happy.
4. Trauma and Difficult Life Experiences
   Traumatic events or painful past experiences can also foster people-pleasing behaviours. For instance, individuals who have experienced abuse—whether emotional, physical, or psychological—may develop a habit of people-pleasing as a survival mechanism. Acting agreeably and placating others may be a learned behaviour to avoid conflict, reduce the risk of further harm, or maintain peace in an unstable environment. Read our post on understanding trauma if you think you need more information.
5. Low Self-Esteem and Lack of Self-Worth
   People with low self-esteem often place the needs and desires of others above their own. If you don’t value yourself or lack confidence in your abilities, it can be easy to fall into the trap of people-pleasing. Seeking approval and validation from external sources (such as friends, family, or colleagues) can feel like the only way to boost your sense of self-worth. Over time, this creates a pattern where your self-esteem depends heavily on the opinions and approval of others, leaving you vulnerable to exploitation or emotional burnout.

Candice* initially thought her feelings of burnout were simply due to her being overwhelmed at work. She constantly agreed to extra projects, took on tasks for colleagues, and avoided setting boundaries out of fear that saying “no” would make her appear difficult or unhelpful. Unable to resolve these tensions, it wasn’t until she quit her job and had time to reflect did she start to understand what she was going through. While Candice’s burnout was real, the cause was more to do with her approach rather than the difficulty or number of tasks she had to do.

This habit didn’t just affect her professional life. In her personal life, she often found herself going along with family decisions, such as holiday plans, without voicing her own preferences. She feared disappointing her loved ones and later discovered that her avoidance of conflict and disagreement was rooted in a fear of rejection.

Breaking the habit of people pleasing requires self-awareness and the willingness to challenge long-held beliefs about self-worth and approval. The first step is recognising the signs of people-pleasing behaviour: excessive worry about others’ opinions, difficulty saying “no,” and neglecting personal boundaries.

Once these patterns are identified, strategies for overcoming them can be implemented. One effective approach is boundary setting. Learning to say “no” and communicating limits is crucial in creating a balance between helping others and maintaining your own mental well-being. It’s important to remember that setting boundaries is not selfish—it’s a form of self-care.

Another strategy is practising assertiveness. This involves expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a direct but respectful manner. Assertiveness training can help people pleasers learn how to navigate difficult conversations without feeling guilty or anxious. Additionally, reframing thought patterns is vital. Instead of equating self-worth with external validation, individuals must work on internal validation—finding value within themselves without relying on approval from others.

Self-compassion is another key tool in breaking free from people-pleasing behaviours. People pleasers often carry an intense fear of rejection or failure, and learning to treat oneself with kindness and understanding, especially in the face of mistakes, is essential to healing.

Therapy can be an invaluable resource for those struggling with people-pleasing tendencies. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is one of the most commonly used therapeutic approaches in addressing this behaviour. CBT helps individuals identify and challenge the negative thought patterns and beliefs that drive people pleasing. For example, people pleasers might operate under the belief that they are only likeable if they are agreeable or accommodating. CBT can help reframe these thoughts, encouraging healthier self-perceptions and fostering confidence in asserting needs.

In addition to CBT, other therapeutic techniques like Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can be beneficial. DBT focuses on emotional regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, and boundary setting—all of which are crucial in breaking free from people pleasing. ACT, on the other hand, encourages individuals to accept negative thoughts without letting them dictate behaviour, helping people pleasers move away from seeking external validation.

Therapy also offers a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore past experiences that may have contributed to people-pleasing tendencies. For many, understanding the psychological roots—whether from family dynamics, cultural conditioning, or traumatic experiences—can be a vital step in healing. Therapists can help individuals process these experiences, work through unresolved emotions, and create new, healthier patterns of behaviour.

In group therapy, people pleasers can also benefit from the collective wisdom and support of others facing similar struggles. Sharing experiences with others who understand the pressure to conform to others’ needs can reduce feelings of isolation and shame.

The hidden costs of people pleasing are significant, often leading to emotional exhaustion, anxiety, and strained relationships. Overcoming this habit requires a commitment to self-awareness, boundary setting, and reprogramming negative beliefs about self-worth. Therapy plays a pivotal role in this process, offering tools, insights, and support to help people pleasers break free from these unhealthy patterns.

By learning to balance empathy and self-care, individuals can create healthier relationships where both parties’ needs are met, and they can begin to live more authentic lives—free from the constant pressure to please others.